While I’ve spent this glorious long weekend enjoying myself, spending time with me, I’ve decided to start clearing off my PVR. I mean, I have stuff on there that’s as old as my newest niece. And this isn’t a brand new niece, she’s 19 months old. So, I have had things on my PVR waiting to watch for over a year and a half. I think my life is too busy…..
Anyway, back to the point. Spending time with me, and catching up on things that really mean something to me to watch, which is why I saved them. Many of them are LGBT themed, because it’s an obvious passion. In watching a show about Gay men who desire will all they are to be parents, I came across the biggest “A-HA Moment” of my life.
I don’t have some of the things that mean so much to me, because deep down I hold a belief that I don’t deserve it. I didn’t know that I felt that way, not on the surface, and haven’t seen it subconsciously either. That was buried. Deep. Far away from any realization, from any retrospection or reflection I often find myself undertaking.
I don’t deserve it. WHAT THE FUCK?
I don’t know, for sure, why it was buried so deep, but I think it’s rooted in my childhood. This is a big deal for me, and you betta sure as hell know that I’ll be working my ass off to get rid of it. I refuse to be that pathetic person who lives their life with a belief like that. I can’t believe I’ve been that person.
My heart is sad for me. I deserve so much better. I deserve everything.
EDIT: I wrote this months ago, and never posted it. I have to admit, I’m ashamed. Why I buried something so very very important so very very deep is beyond me. I’m sure, I was young and it was just too enormous and painful to fully understand or deal with. And now, over 25 years later, ( One can only assume ) I’m overwhelmed. I have deprived myself of so much, because I feel like I don’t deserve anything. Funny thing is, I am always the cheerleader for other people, expressing how much they deserve something/ someone/ whatever their heart desires.
Ha! I can’t do it for myself, I haven’t bothered to be my own cheerleader.
My girlfriend has recently been encouraging me to be more selfish. I give so much of myself to everyone else, that when it comes time for me, I’m too exhausted to care.
I need to take her advice. I want to. I have to. For me.
