I am just freaking thrilled that 2005 is over!!!! It was a year from hell. A year where my whole life as I knew it changed. Not for the better necessarily, though I did grow alot. It all began when a simple MSN convo with my husband started something like this:

“What time are you coming home? The buses don’t run anymore tonight” ~ ME

“I’m not. I am in love with someone else, and I want a seperation. Can you pack up my stuff?” ~ Him

Okay. WTF????? Along with the technical innovations, including the internet, this is the new method of seperation notification? I can’t say that I wasn’t hurt. FUCKING rights I was. Stunned too. No warning, really, I mean we argued, and the relationship was strained from the environment we were in, but come on. Marriage isn’t easy, and you don’t run at the first really hard day.

So, then, all is f’d, and I go to work after my days off. I can’t work, I can’t think, I am yelling at every male customer I speak with. So, I ask for leave. I get it. Bonus. I really really need it.

This left me so dumbfounded, that I cannot explain it, it was much more than any depression I had ever encountered. It was deep, it was soulful, and it was HARD. I wanted to be alone, I didn’t want to talk to people. So, I stayed in my room for six weeks.

Going back to work just wasn’t easy, I already had issues with the job, before all this, but now, I just couldn’t deal. So, I quit. There were other issues, like having to give every freakin cent I earned to my mother, cause she feels that she raised me, (only half true, but that is another post) so now, I need to support her. (Again, another post. I cannot even explain what is wrong with this line of thought)

June: Husband moves in to reconcile, well three days into it, when it seems like we might be getting somewhere, he immediately decides to run….. can’t handle it…. FUCK IT ANYWAY!

Okay, so it’s July, and I have no husband, no job, and no life. I am spending it with my mother supporting her, cause her asshole boyfriend had a stroke the week before. I spend the whole summer doing this. Well Hell. I didn’t have money, and hadn’t paid rent for August, though I had to pay rent twice for July, so I suppose I did… But whatever. So, the eager retarded beaver I am, I support my mother emotionally, cause don’t you know, her boyfriend having a stroke is just the end of the world. BLEH. :{

Then she gets this bright idea: Let’s move into a new house, so that fucknuts can get around easier. Yup. Great plan. Who packs while she is at the hospital all day??? Who looks at the apartments/houses, while she is gone all day?????? Who takes care of the house while she is gone all day????? Those little green men, I assume, cause after all is said and done, and loser comes home from the hospital, it’s all about him, I get no thanks, and now, it’s our fault that he is an alcoholic and gave himself this stroke, though the doctor warned him three years ago….. The house has to be retro fitted for the asshole, so that he can get around easier…… Gag me with a rubber spoon. Anyway, knowing that some of this is necessary, I say nothing, even though the rest of us in the house are forced to accomodate this change happily. The pity parties he threw and still throws are something enviable by what’s her nuts, sounding european hilton. Really. It’s sad, and now, he blames everyone for everything, he is jealous that my mother and I got close, so he worms his way into the relationship, and once in, makes for the heart of it, and gets her to boot me out. Cause he knows I won’t allow him to abuse her, and to treat her like she is shit.

Well, that all changed, when on Christmas day, She boots me out. Tells me “all she knows is that he {retardola} wants me out by the end of January.” This comes when we have a conversation about me and my husband. So, I am pissed off at the coward my mother is, cannot stand up for me, when she knows that for the last 11 years they have been together, he has hated me. Hated me for being her daughter. Made me regret being born. It’s so pathetic, I don’t even want to talk about it anymore.

The only good thing to come out of 05 is the relationship with my husband. Backtrack a couple of months. My husband, who, we still are legally married, no divorce, decides to move in, but not as my husband, but as a dude. So, fine with me. I am beyond pining for him. I can’t be bothered. So, we have in some weird way continued to be friends, only because I think that after I came out of the darkness, I realized that he and I should at least be friends, I don’t know. It was never about remaining as friends to get back together. He asked for a divorce, and I told him to produce the papers…. LOL….

But, as time went on, we got closer again, and this Christmas, after having sat him down about three weeks previous, he told me that he wanted to get back together. Well, I am kinda happy about this, and it’s good enough news to end my year on, though I hold this with cautious optimism. I don’t want to get hurt, and most of all, I want a good 06…. no stress like last year.