Well, it seems that my life gets more and more creative with it’s self as it goes on. It never goes how one would expect it to, but that’s nothing new, cause that’s how life is. Just no way around it…. So, yeah, I guess I’m just whining, but really, it never stops, of course.

I feel like I’m stuck in this suspended transition period. There’s always something that I’m waiting for to happen. I suppose unemployment, divorce and self discovery do that to you, and when it’s all happening at once, then, it can become a little overwhelming.

I’m trying to grow in all ways, Spiritually, especially cause this is the foundation of who I am, it’s very, VERY important that this ALWAYS happens; Mentally, cause my own sanity is far more important than anyone else’s; Physically, as previously posted, I need to become healthy, not necessarily so skinny I look dead, just healthy.

I’m always stuck in the middle of this blasted divorce. One minute, it’s on, the next, it’s not. Then, cause I talk to a friend, and make the mistake of saying that we ‘might’ go out for dinner or a drink, as amicable friends mind you, he says, then lets get a divorce…. WTF??? So, I said you decide this time, permanent or what, cause I’m not going to play this game. Good for me, I know. But, I have to admit, I wasn’t ready for that admission that we need a divorce. I knew it was coming, and thought that it would be much more amicably decided, though when it came, I can’t tell you I was hurt. I was relieved. I feel the stress though, cause I have no where to go, and no job, though I apply for enough, and interview for a few, and I’m stuck still living with the ex. I really feel the need to be independent, though, I still like being around the ex, not because I’m “in love” with him, but it’s comfortable, and we’re good friends…. It’s a very weird relationship. Oh well, it’s as dysfunctional as anything else, I suppose.

Is it wrong to want to be alone? I would love to be able to just be alone, but it can’t be that way all the time. Now, I don’t want to be alone forever, I know that. I just want some time to be me, and reflect on who I am, what I want out of life, cause all that has changed for me.

I do know that I want to learn how to be alone, without needing someone’s help. I don’t want a relationship right now, not because it’s too soon, in fact my marriage has been over for a loooooong time… It’s because I don’t need to worry about anyone right now, cause if I did, I would just end up in this same spot in another few years.

I also know that who I am, is okay. I’m not perfect, never will be, and you know what??? I really don’t want to be. I can’t take the pressure. It’s hard sometimes living up to the pressure of who I am now. I want so badly to help others that I force more pressure upon myself in trying to accomplish that. It’s not fair to me, nor those I want to help. I’m just a gurl, trying to make sense of the world, and her role in it. Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it. Well, as anyone who knows anything would tell you, it’s not. It sounds so simple, but it’s very complicated, cause you always have other people to worry about. In some fashion.

I know that when all is said and done, I’m smart, and strong, even though I feel so weak at times. Like I’m just not what I want to be, and I suppose I never will be exactly what I want to be, cause that’s life, the whole point. To live as though each day were your last, and that each day is more important that the previous. It’s a lesson I struggle to learn.

It’s a process that I’m learning to deal with. Life is unpredictable and never fair, but, I’m blessed, cause I have the gift of life, and it’s been given to me to enjoy. So, enjoy I shall.